Common Nightmares of Veganism - A Parody

August 19, 2018 1 Comment

Common Nightmares of Veganism - A Parody


A TONGUE-IN-CHEEK LOOK AT THE PITFALLS OF VEGANISM


Navigating life is a tricky old thing whichever way you look at it. We make plans, only for reality to get in the way.  Health, relationships, jobs, responsibilities, taxes, and if you’re really unlucky, you may occasionally fall down an ill-positioned well if you’re not looking where you’re going.

As if all that wasn’t bad enough, imagine trying to get through life while being vegan too? Let’s face it, most of the non-vegan world seems to have veganism pretty swiftly dismantled. What with a curious mix of a general misunderstanding as to even the most basic principles of what it is, coupled with a few words about “protein” or “lions eating zebras” or something similar.

So, let’s have a vegan get-together and ponder on some of the doom-ridden issues that veganism is going to inflict on the world of the future viciously.

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NIGHTMARE #1: THE ANIMALS TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

With veganism putting an end to animal cruelty and slaughter, the planet Earth is going to become swamped with sheep, pigs, cows, chickens, and so on. 

As animals take over key roles once occupied by humans, plans will need to be made to evacuate human omnivores to the Moon to eat whatever Moon-creatures happen to be there.

As humanity’s presence on Earth begins to diminish rapidly, Clive the Bison will become the first-ever four-legged President of the USA (Clive doesn’t go on and on about “fake news” by the way), turkeys will over-run Turkey, and Fox News is going to be presented by an actual fox.

The chilling first chapter of the new vegan reality - as mainly viewed with high-powered telescopes from the Moon.

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NIGHTMARE #2: PROTEIN BECOMES A HISTORY BOOK SUBJECT

With the Earth already being over-run by animals, (which President Clive the Bison refuses to do anything about), all sources of protein will vanish almost overnight as veganism kicks in.

Consequently, pasty, emaciated human omnivores roam the streets zombie-style, looking for just one last T-bone steak or hoping to stumble across the next omnivore launch-party to the Moon.

Strangely, vegans somehow manage to absolutely avoid this problem altogether, arousing suspicions that they are working in cahoots for the new world order of chickens and are being supplied protein kick-backs.

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NIGHTMARE #3: DESERT ISLANDS LOSE THEIR TRIP-ADVISOR STATUS

Desert islands become even more deserted as vegan options overtake the Earth. 

Long the perennial “crunch question” for vegans should they ever happen to be traveling near a remote desert island, now even THAT option no longer exists.

The Association of Vegan Accommodating Desert Islands lodges an official complaint with Clive the Bison (he still does nothing.)

Veganism is once again found to be further guilty - this time in respect of generic desert-island destinations and their decline as a random tourist destination for vegans trying to survive an abstract ship-wreck. 

The descent into vegan madness continues.

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NIGHTMARE #4: HEALTH AND WEIGHT-LOSS RAVISH THE WORLD

Those who have not left for the Moon, the vegans, find no need for over-sized clothes or medicines related to unnecessary weight gain.

 XXXXXL clothes manufacturers and diabetes pharmaceuticals are horrified to discover that their profits are starting to decline dramatically.

Sad clowns reliant on oversized suits add to the crowds of disaffected non-human vegans plodding around the planet, generally feeling sorry for themselves. 

Conversely, bikini and swimming trunk manufacturers have a financial field-day as those vegans humans left on Earth have no qualms at all about hitting the beach.

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NIGHTMARE #5 COMPASSION AND KINDNESS BECOME TOO MUCH TO TAKE

Animals become 100% objects of kindness and respect, not just an after-thought on a menu. Vegan humans chill out to such an extent that icicles form on their noses, and animals no longer view humans as the devil incarnate.

The phrase “animal lover” becomes unequivocally what it should be as there is no longer any need for omnivores to try and perform the moral and verbal gymnastics of claiming to be an animal lover while inserting half a pound of pork scratchings into their mouth as they do so.

War becomes redundant as a means of doing anything as violence is finally shown to be an utterly pointless way of resolving things.

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NIGHTMARE #6 FRUIT ORCHARDS BECOME POPULAR AGAIN

After years of families enjoying a day out at the local slaughter-house, with the departure of omnivores to the Moon, vegan families are left to take the kids for a day-out instead of strolling around the local apple orchard.

As bizarre as this seems to non-vegans watching anxiously from the Moon, vegan parents, their kids, and the animals positively bask in the glow of not spending four utterly traumatizing hours in an animal death-camp, taking in some apple-picking instead.

Slaughterhouse tour operators sign up to leave for the Moon too.

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IN CONCLUSION

The nightmare vegan world of tomorrow will be mind-blowing. Compassion and a rejection of animal cruelty and exploitation will haunt the world.

Slender, healthy vegans will live longer, more fulfilling lives, in tune with their animal companions around the globe, with no more need for slaughter-houses or meat-aisles in supermarkets or anywhere else.

War and violence become relics of the past, much to the disgust of vested military, political, and industrial concerns. Utterly nightmarish.

And all the while, the Moon-dwelling omnivores, including clowns and slaughter-house tour operators, look on, plotting the day they can return to Earth to wear 5XL sized clothes and claim moral equivalence with fruit orchards.

Buckle up world – the vegan nightmare is nigh!


1 Response

Vegan Bitch Can Cook
Vegan Bitch Can Cook

August 19, 2018

Hilarious article! Loved every word!

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